That's why the lady is a tramp.

The fact that it's almost the last week of July is disgusting to me. The summer has been packed and we will continue on the same track until Labor Day.

First of all, I really want to see the movie Hairspray. I know it lacks John Waters and Ricki Lake (who is seriously anorexic now in comparison to her past, right?) and of course the late Devine. But I just watched the "making of" special on HBO and it looks fun and the guy who choreographed/directed is a crazy person and he swears more than I do. Michelle Pfieffer is like "cat woman" hot in it also. But, I'm sure I'll wait till it comes out on DVD as I never go to the movies.

So, I have a new television love of my life. We've had some good times in the past, when she stared in a little flick called "Spice World," but we've been reunited...and really, it feels so good. Her name is Posh Spice. You may know her as the woman who is married to the world renound hottest man alive, David Beckham and rightfully so (unlike Fergie Ferg who has somehow managed to keep her lovely lady lumps wrapped around Josh Duhamel...all the while looking like someone hit her in the face with a brick...but don't get me started) I digress...back to Posh. I plan on writing about my television obsessions here. So please stay tuned for the details. Aside from Posh's totally amazing and I'm sure mostly scripted reality show, she's useless...but fascinating to watch none the less and kind of has a witty sense of humor, no? Anyways...I finally have a favorite Spice Girl...too bad it's about 10 years too late. You should watch.

Something I've been meaning to cover for a while. First a short warning...the links are sort of NSFW, so I would proceed with caution. A few weeks ago, I went to my bestie's apartment in Elgin. She happens to live right down the street (like two doors down) from this dance club called the Mission. Maybe you've heard of it? Maybe you haven't. Either way, it's a club that caters to over age and under age patrons in the same club, separating them by like different rooms or something? Again, I'm not sure of the specifics, but I know that 17 year olds and 28 year olds are all in the same club together, which in itself seems kind of strange, in a very real "to catch a predator" kind of way. So we decided to go down to the stoop so I could have a smoke. It was about midnight (on a Saturday night btw) and what I saw before my eyes was so unbelievable/disturbing/confusing/humorous/sick. If you've ever watched a documentary on I think HBO called "Hookers at the Point," (which, you can admit that you have) or anything along the same lines...I think you'll be able to envision the extreme ho patrol that I was a witness to that evening. But these aren't "women" or even like girls in their 20's...these are teenagers!!! DRESSED LIKE LADIES OF THE NIGHT! And thinking it's completely okay! I guess my biggest question is like...who is influencing these girls to dress like this? Hollywood (stars, not prostitutes)? I dunno...I mean cooter and nip shots aside...I don't see many of young ladies in Hollywood walking around in spandex cut offs and thinking they look good or mistaking a long and lean t-shirt from target for a dress. I'm seriously perplexed. I know that i'm 25...not 55...but I felt like giving each of these girls...who were stomping across the street like they were working it on a catwalk..or doing their best pretty woman impression, smashing out their parmliment/marlboro/camel light cigarette with the heel of their stilleto and trying to pull down on the back of their coochie cutter shorts (see underwear) or dress (see t-shirt) to pretend like they are at all in the least bit modest...and either slap the shit out of them, or give them a hug and tell them that things will get better and some day they won't hurt so much. Don't even get me started on the dudes that go to this place. I think my next move is to dial 1-800-chrishanson and ask him if he's ever thought of doing his hit television series in a night club setting...it's so easy! You don't even have to trap them...they are already here, dry humping and posing for photographic proof! To conclude, this parade of skanalicious girls kidding themselves into thinking they are entering Teddy's or Les Deux instead of a suburban sess pool and plenty of dudes working on a rape charge happens nightly every weekend in fabulous downtown Elgin. If you ever want to watch...give me a call. We have a stoop to perch on and plenty of flavor-ice. I promise you won't be disappointed, although you may give the idea of having children (especially a daughter) a second thought.

Speaking of skanks, hoes, and rape charges...I'm going to Vegas in about three weeks!!! I'm so excited. I'm going for my 26th birthday with my houseboy and my homeboy and his lady love. I'm super excited to eat lots of good food, drink a shitload of booze, and maybe even wear a t-shirt for a dress. I hope we can meet Carrot Top and that I have the best birthday ever. Sean and I have been to Vegas every summer for the last three years and this will be my 5th year in a row. I almost thought this would be the first year I didn't make a trip out there, but alas...it's all happening. I'm staying at the MGM and I plan on winning a gazillion dollars and never having to work ever again. In the words of Mrs. David Beckham...it's going to be "major." I love her.

I think I'm regressing...

I usually only drink vodka (mixed with something red) or wine.

Friday night, after consuming multiple servings of the afore mentioned spirits, I decided to live on the edge and I had A beer.

"Oh hello. I'm the New Me. I am a friggin blast. I may get you into a fist fight, but it will probably be worth it."

I decided that the new me:

Likes to talk really loud.
Is super honest.
Wishes to fight everyone.
Thinks she is hilarious.
Only cares about herself.
Doesn't take no for an answer.

Basically the New Me is awesome. I somewhat resemble a matrix of my normally drunk boyfriend and a more sassy me. Get used to her, love her, embrace her because I plan on drinking more beer in the future.

How could you not love that face? She's a great girl.

Get your pagan on....

Happy Summer Solstice!

The first half of this weekend royally sucked, but I think the second half made up for it.

Friday night I hung out with my Mom and ate Mexican food. That didn’t suck, but I was still pretty miserable with a cold/allergies or whatever was tormenting me. Saturday night I had high hopes of doing something fun. Hopes=smashed. Sean went to watch ultimate fighting. I spent the night watching random crap on television, including an odd documentary on Vh1 about bi-curious house wives? Exactly.

With nothing else to do, watch, or look up on the internets, I put myself to sleep at 12:30 and put the night out of its misery. Or so I thought. 2 hours later I was awake…wide awake. In the mean time I watched a bad teeny bopper movie and a lot of music videos, none of which put me to sleep. I finally fell asleep at 6 and slept for about 4 hours, which wasn’t so bad.

Sunday and Monday were much better. Sunday I bought/planted 6 containers worth of flowers and then went to a bbq and added one more thing to my list of “things I’m no good at”: serving in badminton. I haven’t played since my sophomore year in high school and it showed as Sean and I did not place so well in the back yard badminton tournament. But alas, it didn’t matter, I still had fun watching other people play, smoking a lot of cigarettes (yeah that still happens every once in a while) and drinking lots of wine. I don’t have any pictures to post as I don’t think there are any pictures that are worth posting (in other words, I’m not in any of them. Ha.)

Yesterday I wanted to get a pedicure. Who would have thought that nail salons wouldn’t be open on Memorial day? Me, that’s who. I guess I should have figured. So instead, Sean and I met up with some friends at the so called “rib fest” in Elgin. It was the most busted rib fest I’ve ever seen. I guess it was the first year they've held it, but still! There were only two food vendors at the whole thing and only one had ribs! I don’t even like ribs and I was disappointed. But I did get a funnel cake and some lemonade, so it turned out okay.

Much like the ribfest, the weekend redeemed itself in the end. Thank goodness I have stuff planned in advance for the next couple weekends. At least I won’t end up sitting on my couch, hating life and wanting to drink alone…in the dark.

I wish I knew what to do about moving or not moving to the city. Seems like we talk about it once a week, but it never goes any further. I wish I had a crystal ball…or at least a magic 8 ball.

Thank mother nature for the fact that there aren't any cicadas where I live. I don't think I could have made it.

Moral of the story: life is pretty boring right now. Frealzies.

I feel like shit. I can't figure out if I'm sick (have cold, etc) or if my allergies have arrived a month late due to the odd weather we've had. Either way it sucks, yet I did call in sick to work today for the first time in 2007...watched "She's the Man" and a lot of reality television...

Something else that doesn't suck, via Sean, via Viceland.com: tour diary of Against Me! It's good stuff:

"I feel bodies pressed against me. An arm is thrown around my shoulder. A girl grabs me and plants a kiss on my cheek and tells me she loves me. There is no greater high than this. There is nothing more addictive.

Afterward, we take some photos, sign some autographs. The club clears out. The gear gets packed and loaded. I change clothes, grab my bag. Everybody piles into the van to leave for the hotel. Tomorrow we will wake up and do it all again."

I slurp on this band so much, but they are so good...I can't help it.

I made this list of things I wanted to write about on Monday while I was at work. I always do that and then by the time I sit down here I look over it and they are all irrelevant or I find myself saying "that really isn't interesting to anyone but you."

this time, the list said:

-Arcade Fire Show ( i kind of accomplished that in my last post, but I had this whole "Von Trap Family" comparison thing all worked out that I've since realized has probably been done before.)
-Television (no clue...I watch a shit load of it...next)
-Places I want to go on vacation (this is still relevant, but time consuming...another night)
-Seattle (I was supposed to go for work, but have since been told otherwise, so scrap that)
-Post-it note mystery(I found out who it was, so it's not funny anymore)
and lastly....
-tanning stup. (I imagine I meant to write "tanning stuff" and got interrupted by actual work.) Besides the fact that I'm a retard for writing "stup," I can expand on that one.

This is me, in the summer (also in fall, winter and spring):


Now, I don't mean to imply that at any time of the year I can be found lounging poolside at a Wisconsin water park reading a fashion rag while my boyfriend goes down the lazy river for the thirtieth time. Although I wish that was a fact, I'm specifically referencing the ghostly shade of my skin in the picture, which was taken in July.

Some people, mainly my mother, would describe me as having "porcelain" skin. I prefer to label myself as having "pale" skin. Some people, again...mainly those with the first name Mary Lou, say I'm lucky because "my skin looks great all year round!" Such is not the truth. Although I think my pale yet porcelain skin doesn't look bad in the winter months, and I can wear almost any shade or color...the summer is when I get the blues about being so...well...white. For example:

This is what happens when I get a "tan":

See that slight change in color on me? That's called a sunburn, and it's not terribly red because I probably had sunblock on in order to keep my sensative skin from frying. At least I'll never get cancer right? Not the point. Point is, I'm constantly trying to find a way to add some color to my skin in the summer. I've tried lots of self tanners, lotions with tanner in them, etc. They don't really ever seem to do anything. But recently I tried the L'oreal brand. I tried it on my legs first, just to avoid embarrassment and it's a good thing I did.

The directions on the package tell me to apply the tanner every day for a week, then after that, once a week. I did it for two days. On the second day, while at work, I pulled up my pant leg and was horrified to see that under the fluorescent lights of my cubicle, my leg seemed to resemble something like Lindsay Lohan at her orangest. Not really what I was going for. Needless to say, I stopped applying it daily. I think if I do it once a week or so, I might be OK.

Long story short, I'd take my pale, non-tanning skin any day over looking like La Lohan or anyone else who seems like they've been eating too many carrots. Looking like you have jaundice is just about as attractive as being able to see the blood pumping through the veins in your translucent legs. So, I'll try this for a while, I'm sure in the end it will be more trouble than it's actually worth and by July I'll be blinding people with my whiteness again.

Side note: I was looking for orange pictures of Lindsay and I found this one. Even though in the picture below she is not too orange, she does bare a strong resemblance to all the white girls i went to middle school with that so desperately wanted to be Hispanic and/or date someone in a gang. For the life of me, I cannot understand why someone with millions of dollars insists on dressing like a preteen hoodrat.

What, you think I'm loco? Yes. Yes, I do.



This post brought to you by me, thinking I have anything of interest to say.

goodnight.

People pleasers...

...are butt kissers.

Weekender.

Saturday: Poker. More importantly babiez.

A foldable baby: Alayna.

A baby deep in thought: Campbell.

A baby whisperer: Sean.

Sunday night I went to Church with the Arcade Fire.

Nosebleed: Me and Sean, who was still able to take lots of photos that I'm too lazy to look through in order to find a good one. Location was irrelevant though. They closed the show with my very most favorite song, Tunnels. It was religious and shit.

Cat Blog: Mile-oh.

Whack.

The best Google "Did you mean..." I've ever gotten appeared before my eyes on Friday at work.



I wish Google...I wish.